The Gym Chronicles: A Guide to Things That Really Flex My Patience

Ah, the gym—a temple of gains, grunts, and the occasional existential crisis in the middle of a plank. I love it. I really do. But sometimes, certain behaviors make me want to swap my gym bag for a Netflix subscription. Let me vent

1. The Ogle-lympics 

You know the type—older guys whose cardio routine seems to be 10 reps of intense staring. Sir, squats are indeed majestic, but maybe admire them with the same subtlety you’d use at a museum. Respectful distance, please.

2. Sweat Equity, Not Germ Deposits

We’re all here to sweat, not turn the gym into a biohazard zone. If you’re leaving behind a sweat angel on the bench, maybe leave behind a wiped-down bench too? Just a thought.

3. The Dumbbell Ghosters

Why is it so hard for people to return dumbbells? Do they think the weights are happier scattered like Easter eggs? The other day, I nearly tripped over a rogue 40-pounder in the cardio section. Who’s doing deadlifts there?

4. Nosy Neighbors

“Are you sure your elbows are tucked in?” “What’s your workout split?” Look, unless you’re a certified trainer offering free advice, I don’t need your unsolicited TED Talk. Focus on your own biceps, Sherlock.

5. Personal Offender: The Overconfident Machine Hogger

This one’s me. I get excited, load up the leg press like I’m prepping for the Olympics, then spend five minutes having a stare-off with mortality. Sorry to everyone in line—my ambition got ahead of my quads.

6. The Too Social Butterflies

I’m mid-burpee, gasping for air like a fish on land, and here comes someone asking about my weekend plans. Spoiler alert: My plans include not dying during this set.

7. The DJ Misfire

There’s always one person whose headphones aren’t as soundproof as they think. I’m over here trying to lift, and I suddenly hear the unmistakable beat of Baby Shark. It’s haunting, honestly.

8. The Sneaky Supersetters

You’re about to use a machine when someone appears out of nowhere claiming, “Oh, I’m actually using that.” Really? Because I just watched you texting on the other side of the room for 10 minutes.

9. The Mysterious Mid-Gym Photoshoot

Here I am, looking like a tomato mid-squat, when I notice I’ve been accidentally immortalized in the background of someone’s sweaty selfie. Can I at least get tagged?

The gym is a shared space for self-improvement, not a Hunger Games arena of patience. Let’s all try to re-rack our weights, clean up our sweat, and resist the urge to reenact Shark Week on the bench press. And if all else fails, there’s always home yoga.